The End of One Chapter, the Start of Another

Hello there!

So, this is it. I'm pretty much at the end of my undergraduate degree. Finished all my exams, handed in all my assignments. This is a pretty big moment for me, as it should be. I was wondering whether to write this blog right after my last exam, or closer to the beginning of June. Cause let's just say that I've got a special series of blogs lined up over the summer, and I don't want to have to write a big long summary of what I did between now and mid-June as an introduction to those blogs.

But I went home the weekend before my final exam, and it put me in a contemplative mood (as going home so often does.) And I decided that I wanted to publish this blog as soon as possible. (In fact, I'm gonna let you in on a development secret: this first part was actually written on the Friday evening, sitting at home on my own while my parents were at a concert!)

A picture I took of some ducks and ducklings. The end of some things, the start of new, brilliant, wonderful things...

I remember when I turned 18, I wrote a blog talking about the significance of that event to me, summarising my life experiences up to that point. (It was, rather inventively, named '18 Years'!) This blog is similar - a coda to my time at university, an exploration of the things I liked and didn't like, how university's shaped me.

But first, a brief discussion of what I've been up to since last blog! I came back to Reading the Friday before the start of term, then spent the weekend working on my last assignments, including my dissertation. Said dissertation was distinctly frustrating when it came to submission: we had to submit a digital copy and a physical copy. The digital version was submitted Friday/Saturday (I worked late into the night, it gets blurry...), then I got it printed out and bound on Saturday! And then, because I had to submit the physical copy in a university building, which wasn't open on the weekends, I had to wait until Monday to officially submit it... But the feeling when I submitted it was amazing! Free at last! One of my course-mates submitted hers at the same time, so we had a nice little bonding moment over that.

Me, about to submit my diss! (My coursemate took the picture)

Unfortunately, submitting my dissertation was not the end of my assignments. I had one last assignment, a 3,000 word research project. Due for three days after my dissertation. University is a nightmare at times. Due to primarily focusing on the dissertation up until that point, I hadn't spent much time preparing for the research project. So I spent a very frantic three days working on the essay...which culminated in me needing to pull an all-nighter to finish it. I ended up submitting the essay just five minutes before the deadline...and just as I was about to upload, the WIFI cut out. I have never had that problem in all of my time at Reading until now. Thankfully, I uploaded it in the end, by using my phone as a mobile hotspot. (Though when I told a friend about it later, she rather reasonably declared that if she had to submit an assignment that close to the deadline and the WIFI dropped out, she would just not submit the assignment.)

So, my first week back was a ridiculously stressful week. I wasn't kidding when I called third-year Easter holidays 'the eye of the storm'! Prospective third-years, prepare yourselves!
But I got to unwind at the end of the week. Several of my friends organised a Friday evening Chinese takeout, which was very fun! I'm not really sure if I have a specific personal highlight - the whole evening was amazing! Though at the end of the evening, some of the more Star Warsy people stuck around to watch some episodes of The Clone Wars. I was one of those people, so it was my first opportunity to experience the show. (Yes, I hadn't seen it before then...) It's a good show!

Study sesh with friends! (We were all working on our dissertations!)

I spent most of the next couple of weeks revising for my first exam, which was a truly ghastly three-question exam in which I had to analyse 4 sections of text from various primary sources, and analyse 2 film stills. 2 analyses per question... Did I mention this was a two-hour exam? The exam went not-great, in all honesty. The first question was pretty decent, the second was OK, and then the third was pure torture. Like, imagine having a concoction of salt water and lemon juice poured into an open wound. Except worse. The one good thing about that exam is that it was also my penultimate exam... (Also, I was sat by myself, but I was able to see some of my friends from where I was sat. Was nice to see them having a good time.)

I did enjoy spending time with friends, though! I (naturally) couldn't hang with anyone during my exam, but I did see friends at other times. One of the highlights of those occasions was attending a baptism service for two of my friends (the ladies pictured above.) They're both really nice people, and it was great to celebrate them! I also, it goes without saying, spent a fair amount of time studying with friends in the library, which was enjoyable.

Another highlight was that, after the exam, I went on a very long walk, which gave me lots of time for thinking through things. I walked all the way out of Reading, through some fields close by, then back to campus - all in all, it was pretty much three hours long. I also had what was probably the most fun I've had on a walk in ages (not that walks in general aren't fun.) At one point, the only way forward was to cross a small stream. Undeterred, I took off my shoes and socks, waded across, and scrambled up the far bank. Only to find some (collapsed) barbed wire and overgrown brambles (AKA nature's barbed wire) on the other side. What ensued was a good five to ten minutes of slowly inching myself over actual barbed wire, while trying to avoid the brambles above me. I did not escape scrape-free, but it was actually surprisingly fun! 

Two of my friends on the day of the baptism service. (Yes, they are dressed the same and have the same make of car.)

A few days after my first exam, I saw Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3 in the cinema with Josh. It was very good, I thoroughly enjoyed it! And then, a few days after that, I watched it again with another group of friends! It was very enjoyable both times round, though. Better than Marvel's been in a while! Though a low point was the heavy presence of animal cruelty, to the point where it was a little excessive. (I remember back in one of my older blogs, I roasted one of my friends for watching Endgame twice in one week. I am officially no better!)

I spent most of the rest of that week attempting to revise for my final exam, which was semi-successful. I also went home for the weekend before my exam. It was nice to see my parents, and I went to an old friend's 21st birthday. I've known him since primary school, so it was really great to celebrate such a milestone with him!

And then...Monday 15th May, 2023. The dawn of the final day of my degree. My final exam. Actually, for all the dramatics I'm putting on, it went pretty well, in my opinion. (For starters, it was only 2 questions, rather than 3 two-part questions...) I did feel quite stressed immediately after finishing, because I felt that I hadn't done spectacularly well in the exam. But I do feel it went OK, which is good!

The library bathed in late-afternoon sunlight

And with that, my undergraduate degree is finished. The culmination of the last three years (four to five, really - you start making preparations for uni in year 12 or year 13!) In a way, it's the culmination of a lifetime's expectations - I'd been intending to go to university for as long as I can remember. Inspired at least partially, I think, by my parents, who both attended university themselves. (They actually met at university!) It's funny, because I had a rather interesting chat with some friends the other week, where we discussed how our assumptions of our futures were shaped by our parents' lives. The conversation itself was in the context of romantic relationships, but it's interesting how it can apply to other areas as well - take, for instance, my intention to go to university, because my parents both did.

Not that I didn't look forward to uni, or enjoy my time here. The times I've had at uni are probably some of the best I've had in my life thus far. It's been difficult at times, but also brilliant. And I had a thought several weeks ago (before Easter, actually!) When I was looking round universities, back in 2019, I liked Reading most, because almost from the moment I arrived, I felt welcome. I belonged. And looking back, I definitely made the right choice. I've talked before about how I feel like I can never truly fit in. And in some respects, that's true enough. How can you fit in when you were born to stand out? At the same time, at Reading, I have truly felt like I fit in. For the first time since my childhood, maybe ever. That's beautiful, and it's something I want to cherish for the rest of my life.

And I discussed this somewhat with my counselor a few weeks ago: I came to the realisation that that feeling of not fitting in? It's all in my head. I've felt like I can never truly fit in, be part of the group - but my friends have never thought that way. Not my university friends, arguably not my school friends. With a few exceptions, such as my bully and his friends, pretty much everyone I know just treats me no differently than they would anyone else. As far as everyone else is concerned? Of course, I fit in! It makes me think that, even if I don't remain in contact with my uni friends, I can and will fit in elsewhere. I just have to push past that nasty little voice in my head whispering that I can't. And on a related note, the other night I had a dream about my bully. In the dream, he insisted that I was right to believe I could never truly fit in, to believe that my friends didn't want to be friends with me. And in waking life, I've always feared him - even five years after I last saw him. My moments of standing up to him were few and far between. But in the dream, my response to him was to say, without hesitation, 'You're a representation of my self-esteem issues, dressed up as my bully. Why would I listen to you?' And I don't feel scared anymore. It's difficult to express, especially as I'm still figuring out exactly what happened with my feelings and my perceptions. But it's definitely liberating. I feel...renewed. And I feel like I've finally, finally laid down an incredibly heavy burden.

I don't feel as tied down by the past as I did. The spectres of the past don't hold as much power over me. The most potent expression of this is the fact that, last year, I had a nightmare of my bully, where he found my then-current Reading address(!) and threatened to brutally murder me(!!) if I told people...something. Can't remember what, now. But I've spent most of the last year living in fear that I'm gonna say what I shouldn't have done, and then get killed in a spectacularly brutal fashion. But here I am, sharing it, because frankly? I'm not scared anymore. He can do what he likes (and it's not likely he'd see this in any case.) Doesn't change the fact that, at the end of the day, he was wrong about me. I do deserve friends, I do belong where I am, and I am a good person, with genuine talents and capabilities. And I make mistakes, frequently. I'm only human, and I deserve only as much condemnation as is proportional to the repercussions of the mistakes - just as he would. If and when I do fall, I will take responsibility for my actions, and I will rise each time a better man. (Feels good to say that!) Makes me think of a line in a song I listened to recently: 'Echoes slowly fade away.' They do fade. It's taken its time, but I'm moving on from what happened to me in year 11. A few years ago, I observed the upsetting phenomenon that I could barely remember life before the bullying, but the memories of the bullying were crystal-clear. But now, that time, when I was being bullied, is fading in turn. First year of uni feels ridiculously long ago to me, now. And year 10 and year 11 feels like the echo of a story. 

And it's time to move on to the next chapter of that story, and let the echoes of the past rest. I'm apprehensive about where life will take me - frankly, who isn't? But to quote from a recent blog, I'm excited to see what happens next. 

As for what happens next? Well, I have one more month in Reading before the end of term. It's official, though: assuming I get the grades I need, I will be doing a Master's postgraduate degree in Creative Writing at Reading, starting September. I do also have one more blog on third year, since I have one more month before term ends. Symbolic, really. This is an ending, but it's not quite over yet. Just as I've finished my undergrad, but still have a post-grad in the wings. And then, after the next blog, I have a special series of blogs, which I am not telling you about, so it will be a surprise. (Don't worry, it's not gonna be a series of reviews!)

My final thought is a piece of wisdom from my dad, who is a very wise man. Some time after I started university, he started occasionally working at my old desk. The desk's pretty cluttered, and one of the things on it is a speaker, balanced on a tottering, worringly-high stack of Doctor Who DVDs. (The speaker is his/the family's, the DVDs are mine.) At some point after he started working there, he put a post-it note on the speaker, which reads 'Not more, more, more, but better, better, better.' It's placed so that it's instantly visible if you look up and to the right (probably intentionally!), so whenever I come home and sit at my desk, I can't help but look at the post-it note. That's what I want for my life, going forward - not more, but better. And it's something to remember, I think. The significance of the world around us isn't how much we get from it, it's what we get from it.

Random stats:

-Exams done: 2

-Assignments: 2

-Books I am currently reading: Mistborn (re-read), The Blade Itself by Joe Abercrombie, The Reality Dysfunction, Lord of the Rings (also re-read). Oh, and Harrow the Ninth, second book of the The Locked Tomb series. A lot, I know!

-Weeks until end of term: 2 and a half

-Weeks until graduation: Just under 2 months!!

-No. of times I've gotten drunk across uni: Difficult to say, because I've never gotten extremely drunk. Maybe 4 or 5 times?

-Highlight of university: Making friends, spending time with those friends.

-Lowlight of university: Lockdown. Needs no further elaboration, I imagine.

-And one last thing, a couple of my friends are helping at a summer camp for vulnerable children, and they're currently raising funds for the camp. There's a fundraising quiz on Tuesday 30th May, starting at 7:30 in the evening, at Wycliffe Baptist Church (RG1 4LS). If you're in the Reading area on Tuesday, feel free to come along!

-On a related note, here is the donations page: https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/skye-lewis

Feel free to donate if you can, and please share with your friends and family!