Looking Ahead and Looking Back: What's my Purpose?

 Hello!

How is everyone? Hope you've all had a good start to the year!

Sorry for the long absence. I have not had a good start to the year, to be blunt. I've been dealing with a lot of personal issues. Doing a bit better now, though, which is good.

A nice waiter took this photo for us

The year started off alright. My family went to Switzerland to visit some family friends. I, however, stayed behind to look after Pippin, because I had an assignment due the week I got back, which I hadn't started. (I got it in on time, ended up getting 64%!) One of the highlights of that week (in addition to spending time with my dog, of course!) was an incident where I got home and noticed that Pippin had gotten mud on his back, so I had to wash him. It was a total catastrophe. I attempted to do it with the garden hose, which resulted in Pippin freaking out and running all round the garden. Then, the hose broke, with Pippin still covered in soap, splashing water everywhere and drenching my trousers. I had to resort to washing him down with a bucket...which he did not enjoy. After the drama, my mum messaged to say I could just use a bucket of warm water and a sponge, which makes sense in hindsight. I gave Pippin three dog treats to make up for it, though, and I think he's forgiven me.

As ever, a picture of Pippin. (This one was from over Christmas.)

Most of the rest of January was fairly uneventful - I spent most of it working on my dissertation. I did also visit Will, Hel, Neve and Huw with my mum and dad the weekend after my mum's birthday. It was  very nice to spend time with my cousins! I particularly enjoyed playing Top Trumps with Huw. He's got an...innovative playing strategy I (and his parents) like to call 'brazen cheating'. When shuffling through the cards, he picks through them first, so he can get all the best ones. Then, he gets to select the attribute (speed, strength, etc.) If yours is higher than his, or stalemates his (as I succeeded in doing a few times), he just picks a card with a better value. Neve didn't join in that game - I reckon she didn't fancy playing a game where her opponent almost literally holds all the cards.

Another highlight was playing chase/hide and seek on the final evening. Neve and Huw chased me around the house, while our parents all sat and watched. (Neve and Huw got a loud toy siren for Christmas, which played a part in the game!) Then, we played a few rounds of hide and seek, which was very fun. Neve and Huw were very good at finding me.

For Valentine's Day, I met up with my sibling. (In fairness, Valentine's is technically for all types of love.)

Also in January (slash the beginning of February), the Reading Christian Union ran Events Week, where speakers come in to give talks on various topics - this year's theme was about our purpose in God and our identity in God. It was very informative and interesting - the talks on mental health in particular resonated with me. The highlight of the week, for me, was seeing a lot of new faces. I also saw one of my note-takers there, which was fun! It was actually our first time meeting in person, because first year was online. Then, in second year, we never interacted directly, as she couldn't exactly walk up to all my classmates and be like 'Are you Robert Murrell?' But it was nice to meet her in person.

February has been...difficult. It started off OK, if lonely, as everyone's been very busy with university work. I made a Victoria sponge for a friend's birthday, which he appreciated. I also saw Sarah and Harry; it was good to catch up. Though in sadder news, a family friend died; I unfortunately wasn't able to attend the funeral. 

The flyer for Events Week, because I have no other photos of Events Week

Reading week was very difficult, for different and deeply personal reasons. I don't want to go into details, but reading week probably saw me at the lowest I have ever been, mentally. I stayed in Reading for a few days, long enough to finish the first draft of my dissertation (woo-hoo!). I then went home for a few days; it was good to see Pippin and my mum. (My dad was away in Africa at the time...) My mum and I visited Karys in Didcot on the Saturday, which was good. We went to Kaspa's; it was nice to spend time with Karys. I then went from Didcot to Reading. (Though I did also see them (Karys) on Tuesday - they came to visit me in Reading. It was fun!)

On the Sunday of reading week, I made cookies for another friend, whose birthday was the day after. She invited me and lots of other friends to Kaspa's for an early birthday celebration. I enjoyed the celebrations, though it was very loud!

The last couple of weeks have been alright. I spent most of last week trying to work. Problem was, a combination of mental health issues and finishing the dissertation draft left me feeling distinctly unmotivated. I'm doing counselling, though, and chatting with the university's Anglican chaplain, who's a very wise man.

Two of my friends, at Kaspa's (Reading)

I've also spent some time with friends, which was good. Most of it was just studying in the library, but it was still fun. (I say 'studying'... Turns out, working in a group means you can get easily distracted!) I also went to Small World Cafe on Friday, which is an event run by the CU, for international students. Every week, there's activities and games revolving around a theme relevant to a particular country or region of the world - this Friday, it was St David's Day, for Wales. The highlight of the evening for me was a scavenger hunt for pictures of daffodils (daffodils because they're the national flower of Wales.) It was very fun, and quite hectic - my group spent almost the entire time tailed by another group. Us and the other group ended up tying for first place. I also remember that, at one point, I said that we should act like we were winning, to which one of my teammates said 'We are winning!' (We were, in fairness.)

I also went out for drinks with some friends on Saturday - it was fun! Though I again drank a bit too much and zoned out... (Once again, I do not recommend getting drunk.)

Over the last few days, I haven't done much other than work. I met up with some friends for breakfast yesterday, which was pretty fun. I also came home for a bit today - that's been good so far.

Friends old and new on the daffodil scavenger hunt. (I was the photographer.)

It's been a difficult couple of months. In fact, in some senses, it's been one of the worst starts to a year I've ever had. It's almost symbolic - today is the exact 5-year anniversary of one of the worst days of my life. In a few weeks is the exact 10-year anniversary of the day that civil war in CAR broke out. The significance of those anniversaries has been weighing on me for a while. The past never truly leaves us. Part of the reason I've been struggling so much is that I've been dwelling a lot on my period of isolation and loneliness in 2018, especially as I come to a significant anniversary of that time. 

But I've also been looking to the future. I'm hoping to do a Masters, in either Creative Writing or History. I'm also going to start driving lessons, and have successfully applied for a provisional driving license, which is exciting.

Recently, I've been feeling like I hit rock-bottom mentally. (At least, I hope that was rock-bottom!) But a wise man once said that it is when we are at our lowest point that we are open to the greatest change. I want to change. I want to be better, to do better. And I'm hopeful that I can. And it feels sometimes like I say I want to change, but I don't change. (Certainly, a friend expressed that sentiment not long ago!) But lately, as low as I've felt, it does also feel like I've made actual, genuine improvements in how I treat myself and others. Which is a positive. 

I've had a difficult time, lately. I know quite a few other people have. Something I read recently said this on the topic: 'You will be warm again.' It resonates with me. Life won't always be positive, or easy, or pleasant - but it also won't always be negative. Sometimes it will get worse, but it will also get better.

That's life - sometimes we backslide, sometimes we move forward. All we can do is keep our heads high and have faith.

Random stats:

-Dissertation progress: First draft done, now onto editing! (Yay...)

-Alcohol consumed: 5 glasses of beer (Not all at once! 3 in January, 2 the other day!)

 -Movies watched: Braveheart. It was good!

-Books read: The Way of Kings, Words of Radiance, Oathbringer, Rhythm of War (The entire Stormlight Archive so far!)

-Assignment results: 64% on my poster, 70% on another essay